SATIRE | Where is mine? - The cry of many unemployed MPs today

SATIRE | There far too many unemployed Members of Parliament. Many are clamouring for appointments with perks because their (extra) source of income and share of the spoils have been non-existent since June 2018.

While attempts to meet their demands have been successful to a certain extent, many are asking: Mana aku punya? (Where’s mine?).

It is with this in mind, that some were appointed to head government-linked companies and government agencies. However, there are insufficient vacancies to meet the demand.

With many bawling for attention by knocking on the doors of the boss, it was time to act. The boss did not put on his thinking cap because he had none - but he called for help from underlings who already wore skull caps.

After a brainstorming session, a solution was found. With the whole country focused on the coronavirus, it was agreed that a set of new government-funded organisations would be set up to reduce the unemployment queue in Parliament House.

It was decided that to avoid criticism, the right candidate must be selected to head these organisations. “We don’t want to be accused of putting square pegs in round holes,” said the boss. 

He also said that in a thriving democracy, the people must have a choice. Hence the rakyat have been asked to pick the right MP for the job.

Their job description and requirements are listed below, briefly, but details will be given to all successful candidates:

Inter-bank Commission: Among others, the candidate must be well-versed in bank transactions, especially the process by which dirty money is cleaned through a slew of transactions. Knowledge of the circuitous route in the transfer of large amounts of money and dealings with merchant banks and deal makers is a must. He or she must also be competent in credit card transactions and be able to top-up shortfalls with just a phone call. Receiving and spending donations will be an advantage.

Charities Commission: The MP we have in mind is one who has run charities and had been instrumental in diverting monies to pay for personal expenses. He must have a fleet of vehicles and the insurance and road tax for them will be paid by the Commission. This is to ensure he or she does not put the hands in the cashbox. He or she must also have a big bank balance so that any shortfall can be addressed by signing a few cheques. He or she must have good connections so that, where needed, strong-arm tactics can be used to get the tycoons to pay up, either in the form of a levy or licence fee.

Pocket Money Council: Unless you can say with a straight face that a million or two is just what one spends in a day, don’t bother to apply. Because help in small amounts is dished out daily to the needy, one needs hard cash to pay up first and then recoup the money from the government. In short, you will have to pay first and collect later. But records must be kept, receipts issued and monies be banked into the right account. No excuses, such as “lost the receipt book” or “I banked into my account because it was convenient.”

Unit Trust Ombudsman: The candidate must have a high moral standing and must stand out as one who does not mince his words when defending accusations. He must also have good knowledge of the kick-back system when units are bought and sold. Having a handsome/beautiful spouse is not an advantage. Note: Only transactions of more than RM10 million will come under his or her preview because the kickbacks usually run into seven figures.

Overseas Facilities Board: The person heading this body needs to have extensive experience in setting up Malaysian centres overseas – failed or materialised. It must be ensured that these centres are multi-functional with quarters for participants, including sportsmen, which can be converted into luxury rooms for VIP visitors who travel overseas on their shopping sprees. He or she must have gall and audacity to ignore genuine criticism and spend as much as possible. The job comes with a big expense account and will be allowed to employ spin doctors and pay allowances to selected media people.

Public Speaking Agency: This agency will be in charge of training MPs on how to speak, especially in the House. Many MPs only know how to say: Soalan Nombor Tiga during Question Time. They shy away from debates. The head of this agency will oversee experienced parliamentarians in lecturing the newbies on how to use words like “bodoh”, “biadap” and even “bocor” in the proper context. They will be taught how to defy the Speaker and to use the Standing Orders to speak eloquently in non-parliamentary lingo. Also in the curriculum will be a special subject on how to interrupt and browbeat Opposition MPs, especially when the subjects of 1MDB or corruption at the highest levels are raised.

Non-Muslim Pilgrims Board: Don’t be deceived by the title. There will be no religious discrimination as long as the successful candidate is fluent in Tamil or Mandarin. In the case of Tamil, he must have expressed himself like Rajinikanth or have described himself as an Indian film star. In the case of Mandarin, they must have some manoeuvring skills like Jackie Chan to fend off accusations of wrongdoing. Because there will be large sums of money, the candidate should not have been involved in the used car business or have previously been involved in land transactions.

Insurance Ombudsman: MPs who had been or currently selling insurance – both general and life – are encouraged to supply. The candidate must have experience in false claims, creating accidents or concocting reports to make claims from the insurers. This organisation will keep track of the activities of all insurance companies and keep a record of lapses, errors, mistakes and customer dissatisfaction. They will be required to prepare a report with a view to nationalising the industry because “there is so much to pass around”.

Children’s Education Bureau: The boss has decreed that for this position, a non-MP could be made Senator and appointed to the post because the candidate cannot be short-changed in terms of remuneration. He or she may have to spend extensively on personal grooming and accessories. The basic requirement is that he or she must have dealt with and cared for children. He or she must handle the distribution of croissants (not bread or buns) for children so that they are not discriminated. Experience in handling schoolbags, especially with having them loaded on aeroplanes, is an advantage. Women are encouraged to apply and no make-up is required when reporting for duty.

Any nominations?

R NADESWARAN says this is a work of fiction. Names, characters and incidents are the products of the writer’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Comments: [email protected]

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