Reflecting on life from death row in Singapore

COMMENT | When I was in remand, I was surprised to see a lot of my fellow Malaysians here in Singapore who have been charged as criminals for drug offences. They were all used as drug mules, their lives treated like disposable items by drug traders and kingpins. 

Some of them did it voluntarily, some for a quick relief from financial difficulties without knowing the severity of the offence, some because they trusted a wrong friend, some out of greed, and some even didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. But now, they are all staring death in the eyes.

I am not someone who is familiar with the workings of illegal drug dealings nor with gang-related matters or any other criminal activity. 

As a matter of fact, I would say that I am not a very knowledgeable person, in a general sense. I am a layperson, working as a security officer who sometimes works double shifts to earn extra money. 

I am not a saint, however, it’s too far for me even to fathom that. My vices were gambling and drinking.

Loneliness is something that haunts everyone. Even well-connected, socialised people sometimes feel like they are alone. Especially in this digital age; advancements in technology should be bringing people together, but ironically it doesn’t. 

People are breaking apart, drifting far away in their own worlds, so for those who are behind the bars, isolated within a jail wall cell – it is like a cancer that’s becoming more malignant.

Moral support and encouragement mean a lot to us. Family visits and letters from our loved ones is our source of hope and strength – it relieves the symptoms of that cancer. 

Some inmates struggle to even read and write in simple English, Malay or Tamil. Those who can, help others write to their families or lawyers.

Keeping the brain active in solitary imprisonment is key in helping us to survive the loneliness and hardship, as there a saying, “use it or lose it”. This quote applies here.

There was a lot of time for me in prison to do some soul searching and to reflect on my life. Questions like, why am I here? Where was I supposed to be? What responsibilities do I have as a son to my parents? As a brother to my siblings? As a human being, what are my moral and social responsibilities towards society? Everything that is progressive and constructive is always running in my mind.

Being in a prison for nearly five years now has taught me a lot of things that I was blind to when I was still out there free.

My world, in hindsight, was so small – I just went to work, paid my bills, watched football, gambled and drank sometimes. That was pretty much what I knew and did for most of my adult life.

My level of awareness of social issues and my values in relationships, career progress, life, love, family, freedom, friendship and faith in God were not good. 

In every aspect where I could have been a better person, I wasn’t, and the potential in those areas was left untapped. I lived in the present and drifted along with whatever life brought on.

I am a simple guy. I didn't compare myself to anyone. I didn't envy others if they were better or richer than me. 

In hindsight, I wasn't that good when it came to choosing the right friends, as I didn't judge others when I got to know them. I wouldn't be thinking, back in my head, “How to make use of him?" "How to cheat him?" or "What do I have to gain from this friendship?” 

Nor will I think if such a person has any bad intentions towards me or is thinking about using me. I didn’t have this critical thinking mindset. I just accepted people as who they were. 

There is a name for this type of a person, a person like me, and it's 'stupid' and 'naïve', but that’s just who I was then. I was just me.

We human beings have a tendency to take things for granted, and we won’t be aware of it until it’s too late. We don’t realise how much something or someone means to us until the moment we lose them. 

Sometimes, it’s the simple things in life that we fail to recognise are what have important lessons to teach us. 

Like having a simple meal with our family, making a phone call to your mom and dad, spending quality time with siblings, having the freedom to go wherever you want, whenever you want, breathing fresh air, seeing the sunset, strolling in the park, and seeing the shining stars.

Everything becomes sacred and invaluable when we fail to appreciate what we had then and now means so much to us. 

One thing that rips your heart out is the moment of realisation that you can’t do the right things that you wanted so much to do. You keep telling yourself, “If I were given one last opportunity at life, just one chance to amend my mistakes and to work for the common good of society, I would take it.” 

I will never ever be able to forgive myself now as I’ve let my chance slip away.

No one can take away nor fathom the grief and regret you feel knowing that your action in a spur of the moment cost you your life. 

Deep within us all, there lies a fire of sincerity in our hearts to do the right thing, and the fire will never burn out, nor will hope ever fade away. 

A gem cannot be polished without some friction nor can a man progress without adversity. As Robert Browning says, "When a man’s fight begins within himself, he is worth something."

I don’t want to waste my time anymore. I have been improving my English and developing my reading habits. 

There are some authors that I’ve grown to really like reading such as David Baldacci, John Grisham, Michael Connelly, Harlen Coben, Sidney Sheldon and Lee Child. I read till the wee hours of morning, at 4am or 5am. 

I had my family bring me SPM test books in the latest SPM exam format so that I can do the exercises, learn more and improve my mental faculties.

Sometime people will laugh at me, saying, “What you are you going to do by learning all this now? We are on death row now and waiting to die, why trouble yourself?” 

But I want to. Besides that, the stress here by itself can make us inmates lose our minds, albeit slowly.

I never lose hope or give up and never stop learning whatever I can with the time I have. "Be a student as long as you still have something to learn, and this will mean all your life," says Henry L Doherty.

Or as Napoleon Hill put it, “We must resolve to throw off the influences of our unfortunate environment and build our life.” Lots of people that have been less fortunate and underprivileged have done that and succeeded.

For example, Michael Milton, the six-time Paralympic gold medallist. Oprah Winfrey was born into poverty and had a troubled childhood. She lost a child when she was 14, but now, she is a billionaire and is one of the most powerful and influential activist, TV host and philanthropist. 

Heller Keller was deaf and blind, but managed to graduate from college, became an author, activist and lecturer of extraordinary influence.

As such, why should you and I give up? I believe there is unlimited talent, passion and purpose which lies dormant within us that we still can discover, and sometimes surprise ourselves with what we can achieve.

Faith in God

After getting arrested and being held as a prisoner for a capital case, my life was turned upside down, to say the very least. 

I was troubled with the uncertainty of the future. It didn’t help as well to hear every now and then that people in the same predicament as me being sentenced to death.

Even when I don’t want to think about death, the thought of it comes as an uninvited guest and it will always linger in my mind, refusing to go away. 

At the age of 27, when my life has barely begun, trying to understand death is something hard to digest.

There’s a saying – "for any human being, next to living well is the importance of dying well" but now, my life is already over, and it is like a living hell. Thinking of the possibilities of getting hanged is not a very comforting vision, and so I can’t meet the above two requirements anymore.

I was far away from God at that moment, but God has never been far from me. It took me some time to realise this truth. My heart feels heavy and all I can muster myself to say is, “I am sorry, Jesus.”

Hope to live

As I said earlier, even when everything was going against me, I did not use my energy to entertain negative thoughts nor dwell on my predicament. 

I try to discover myself and the silver lining through all of this, and channel all my energy to do this so I will not dwell in dark thoughts.

I found that studying about social science and humanities is something that I was interested in, and it addresses my passion towards society. 

The imminent prospect of death made me realise how much value life holds, and that we human beings, individuals and as a whole, have a moral and social obligation towards mankind. 

As I reflected on my life, I’ve now also realised how important it is to have an enriching environment for the betterment of growing kids and youth and the next generation that will inherit this world from us.

I have a goal. I hope to live on and I have a passion and direction in what I can do, if I ever do live. I've shared whatever I can here, and if you’re reading this, I’m eternally thankful.

This is just a small part of what I know, I believe I can be a better person. I have done my best to change in these five years and I will do the same in the coming days. 

I value my life so much now and I want to be there for my family too, as well as atone for sins to them, society and my country.

If given a chance, I’d do what I can to save a life. In my defence, I did not murder anyone, I did not take anyone’s life, but I do admit my mistakes and I sincerely apologise as I did not know it was heroin, and I wish for a chance to heal and fix the mess that I have caused in my ignorance and foolishness. 

I sincerely want to right my wrongs, not just because I am guilty, but I think every one of us has a moral responsibility to live their lives, the best they can, in the service of others.

Taking my life away can never justify my involvement in this, but giving it back to me with a second chance, would justify, I believe, the life I would live from then on.

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P PANNIR SELVAM is a Malaysian citizen on death row in Singapore. The above is a letter sent by him to his family who then made it available to the media.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of Malaysiakini.